Everyone Needs Someone to Blame

My partner, Chelsea, once said something that has stayed with me for a long time. I think about it every fall as we embark on another season of college admissions chaos: "When things go wrong, everyone needs someone to blame."

At the time, we were talking about parents — the ones with sky-high expectations, convinced their child should have their pick of Ivies and U.S. News top schools. If things went wrong? Someone had to pay. And sometimes, that someone was me.

The Story That Changed Everything

I used to help friends and family for free. I genuinely wanted to, and I had the experience to guide them. I thought I was being generous. I thought I was helping. I thought I was doing the right thing.

Then came the day a very good friend’s daughter didn’t get into Harvard. I had known this kid since she was a baby. I did everything I could to support her — we brainstormed extracurricular plans and classes and discussed essays late into the night. I made myself available to her 24/7. And when the rejection came, my friend of 20+ years never spoke to me again. It didn’t matter that 95% of applicants to Harvard didn’t get in.

Meanwhile, the daughter landed at Northwestern University, had a fantastic experience there, and landed a great job in New York. To the outside world, she was a huge success. To her mother, apparently, it wasn’t good enough. I was the scapegoat. She didn’t get into Harvard because of me. And just like that, I learned a very expensive lesson about expectations and emotional accountability.

Why People Need a Scapegoat

It’s human. Parents project their hopes, anxieties, and dreams onto their children. (I get it. I’m a parent, too. When reality doesn’t match fantasy, someone has to take the fall. Blame is easier than grief. Grief says, “This hurts, and I can’t control it.” Blame says, “If only someone else had done it differently.”

And it’s not just parents. We do it in traffic, at work, in relationships. Someone always has to carry the weight of disappointment. And if you’re in the line of sight — professional or personal — congratulations: you just got promoted to scapegoat. It’s your fault.

The Lesson: Boundaries Matter

After that experience, I drew a line in the sand. No more guidance for friends or family. I refer them to someone on my team or a trusted colleague outside of Headed for College. Expectations change when the dynamic isn’t based on a personal relationship.

It really hurt to lose a friend over something completely beyond my control. It still does. But it also freed me to see the truth: unrealistic expectations can ruin even the best relationships, even when intentions are good. My responsibility ended with honest guidance — everything beyond that? Not mine.

Blame as a Coping Mechanism

Look beyond college admissions, and you see the same pattern everywhere. People want to point fingers instead of sitting with disappointment. Life, parenting, work — it’s easier to say, “Someone screwed up” than, “This outcome is not what I wanted, but I’m going to learn from it and move on.”

From my perspective as a counselor, the families and students who thrive aren’t the ones who avoid disappointment — they’re the ones who can deal with it. They understand that rejection doesn’t equal failure. They understand that there is nothing fair about the college admissions process. They understand that there are no guarantees in life. Rejection and disappointment are just part of the process of living, and failures are actually learning opportunities in disguise.

Everyone Needs Someone… Until They Don’t

The wisdom in my partner’s words is as true as ever. Everyone needs someone to blame — until they realize that it isn’t productive. Growth begins when you stop looking for someone to serve as a scapegoat and start asking, “OK. That didn’t go as planned. What do I do next?”

I still help people I care about. I still give guidance when I can. But now I know exactly where my responsibility ends — and where theirs begins. I know what I can control and what I cannot. And that knowledge? Priceless.

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